Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
