New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
