Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
