I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You took a bar mat shot.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
