so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
