Barsexuality is the new black.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
