guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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