I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
