Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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