I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
