we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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