i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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