Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
