I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
