so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
