pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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