She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
