Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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