Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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