I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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