Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
