my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
