Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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