I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
