I cockslap morals
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
