TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
