My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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