flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
