dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Randomize
