I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
