i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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