I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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