drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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