ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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