I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
