$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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