Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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