the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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