i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
high people should be assigned attendants
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
