I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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