I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
