dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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