I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
