I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
