My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
