i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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