The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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