She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Panties = found
Randomize
