she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
