Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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