i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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